Singleness

“Why Most People Waste Their Single Life”

Posted On December 23, 2014

Can I let you in on a very real conversation I had with my husband tonight?

Me: Babe, I have a speaking engagement in September in this certain state. 

Cornelius: Is it confirmed? 

Me: No, they just requested me. 

Cornelius: We will have a newborn and a 2 year old. Heather, I know you want to help people and I get it but we can’t be so focused on going on the road that we aren’t taking care of our home.
*Sorry, I didn’t announce it here, but I am pregnant! 🙂 Due early July 2015*

Me: Wait, what babe? I never leave the home unkept!

Cornelius: I know Heather, but things are changing now. Your family is a priority before your speaking engagements. If you travel on Friday or Saturday, then I would have to study with 2 babies and then get them ready for church. So, if you plan on going or you really feel led to go to a certain one, make sure that my mom or someone is here to keep the babies so we can keep this ship moving.

Me: You’re right. I will adjust and make sure that I’m taking as many and I will be sure to be led by the Lord.


My family 




As soon as our conversation finished, this scripture grew in my heart:

1 Corinthians 7:33-35
I should like you to be free of anxieties. An unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord.
But a married man is anxious about the things of the world, how he may please his wife,
and he is divided. An unmarried woman or a virgin is anxious about the things of the Lord, so that she may be holy in both body and spirit. A married woman, on the other hand, is anxious about the things of the world, how she may please her husband.
I am telling you this for your own benefit, not to impose a restraint upon you, but for the sake of propriety and adherence to the Lord without distraction.



You maybe thinking, “HEATHER! That is NOT fair! How is he going to tell you that you cannot take as many speaking engagements? Why can’t you just take one kid with you? Why not this.. why not that? How is he gonna CONTROL you?! Nobody should control you! 


Well, to answer that question: 

Matthew 11:5 and said, ‘Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?


My  husband and I are one flesh. YOU lose the right to be “independent” of him or her when you get married. You have a responsibility to ANSWER to someone else. You left your family, your single life, your ways, your mindset, your decisions and you become ONE flesh with your spouse. And.. if you do run off & ignore what they say..

Mark 3:25 And if a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand.


Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?


So if you continue in your separate thinking, your house will be divided and it won’t stand. There will be frustration, confusion and sorrow. WHY bring that independent, rebellious attitude into a marriage? Then, when you have kids.. they will feel the wrath and so will your spouse who feels like a single parent. This is why you make sure you discuss these things before the ring. I knew that my husband was a family man (as I’m family woman) & I knew that the priority was family first, THEN ministry. He didn’t want a wife that was out of the home for 90 hours a week, so I wasn’t surprised. Same goes from me to him. I didn’t want a husband that traveled and was out of the home for 90 hours a week. I didn’t want a man that was NEVER at home. I didn’t want a man that never came home at night. 

Even in the above, I was tempted to think the same way as many of you that read that first part until the birth of our son Logan. Then, I realized how much he needs his mama. I realized that God gave me a responsibility to raise and teach Logan and I cannot push that responsibility off on mama in law & them. I’m still breastfeeding Logan at 21 months and when I’m away, I have to pump, prepare and travel with the milk. When I’m not at home, there’s a missing piece in our household.  I put down Logan every night for bed and I enjoy these moments that we can never get back. We have a church and a local responsibility so on Sundays, I get our son ready and I’m up with him at night. I want my husband to be prepared and alert to preach on Sunday morning. My family needs me. What good am I if I run all over the world to help everybody else but I’m neglecting to take care of my first responsibility, my FIRST ministry, my HOME?

Titus 2:4-5 New Living Translation (NLT)
“These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children,
To live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes,[a] to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I get that women can work outside the home. I get that they can travel without their families. I get it. BUT you have to do what works for YOUR home. In my home, we travel together, work together and pretty much do everything together. We do take man trips & girl trips here & there. There’s no “law” in our home. BUT there is a level or respect that says, my family is FIRST after God. (So, GOD is our entire foundation as He comes first, then my family, work & ministry life) My husband rarely takes speaking engagements mostly because he thinks it will disrupt the flow of our home and traveling with children takes ALOT out of you. We don’t want our son to feel second to ministry as a preachers child. I believe that most “PK”s rebel because mama & daddy put them second to the church and the stage. I’ve talked to the most stable PK’s & I’m like.. WHAT did your parents do differently? They always respond: “they included me in everything. They never felt like they had to compete with the church.” And in our home, we like to set that same atmosphere. You still may not understand why we do what we do.. but you could only REALLY understand if you lived in our home with us! 🙂 It works for US. So, communicate with your one-day spouse & get on the same page PRIOR to “I do” so you can make sure there’s no huge surprises there. 
NOW to main point.
If you’re single. Excuse my english: 
You aint gotta deal with that. 
If you’re single you can go backpack in Europe for 6 months, eat cereal every night for dinner and nobody will complain, you can take a job as a flight attendant and fly all over the world! You can join 20 ministries at church and devote your weekends to your friends and feeding the homeless. You can go do missions in Africa for 6 months, you can wear yoga pants ALL day long with your hair wrapped up.
This isn’t to “high” five single life or to bash marriage because BOTH have their proper seasons. The focus is to get you to realize that some of ya’ll are WASTING your single life WONDERING “When your Adam is going to wake up?!” You’re worried about God’s timing. You’re wondering, hoping and wishing about your husband. Every new guy that comes in the church “is your husband” and your focus is totally off! There’s a SEASON under the sun for everything! You are literally WAITING for your life to start when you meet that “person.” So, you won’t buy a house, you won’t buy a bed, you won’t do much of anything because you’re “waiting for your  man.”

You’ve made it an idol. 

Let’s look at this example: 
If I’m walking towards a building, my eyes are totally on the building. I’m not focused on what’s going on around me, my eyes are glued to the building. My focus is set. I’m headed in that direction. 

This is how it should be when we are single and this prepares us for marriage. Our eyes our set on Jesus! He’s our foundation, our hope, our peace, our wisdom, our joy! 
But, some of us are focused on the shed that is opposite of the “building.” Although we know that we should trust God & live for Him.. we still feel like maybe God is taking too long and we have to “help” Him out. So, we take our focus from the building to the shed. But if you would turn around and focus back on the building with the RIGHT foundation, then God can really lead your life. There will be many seasons in your life. You will have quiet seasons. You will have seasons where God has you busy. You will have seasons where you feel lonely. You will have seasons where God wants you to travel. You may ask, Heather, I don’t have the money do “do what I want to do.” Honey, if God wants you to do it, He will provide a way! Let Him lead your footsteps. 
I look back over my life and I believe that I wasted ALOT of time as a single. I remember that I had an opportunity to go study abroad to London during my Junior Year in college but I passed on it because my then boyfriend didn’t want to go. I was so insecure that he was going to cheat on me, (which he did when I was right down the street) so I PASSED on going to London for some man that I ain’t with today. That was just ONE of many time wasters when I was single. 
Do I miss being single?

Single Days NYC 2004

                                                             

Of course not! I LOVE my little family. But I DO miss the FREE time that I once had to roam about uninterrupted. This morning, I was woken up by a 21 month old at 6AM who wanted me to make him some juice. So, I woke up and made juice. Then, he started screaming, “Eggs mommy! I want eggs!!” So, I made him eggs. (Mind you, I’m 3 months pregnant and still battling morning sickness). Daddy was downstairs working out and I didn’t want to interrupt him.. so, to making the eggs I went. Then, I needed to change his diaper. Get him showered, dressed. Then,  pray, then read, then do this.. then do that. 
I — USED to wake up when I was single and I would go straight to my quiet time bay window and I would spend an hour with the Lord before work. 
Life has surely changed. And I wouldn’t change it for everything but it does put things in perspective. I am THANKFUL that I set a foundation as a single to spend time with God because now that I’m married, it’s even HARDER to get to that place but because I KNOW better, I am intentional about that time. So, don’t wake up in regret one day of all of the time you wasted when you could have been TOTALLY devoted to the Lord. 
If you have children and you’re not married, you may be thinking, what about me?
I’m not sure if your situation but if you have shared custody, you’re still free to run around when your child is with the other parent! Or, if you have good, solid family members that will keep your child while you’re away– that’s great too! Just don’t stay away too long because again, you have responsibilities to be a mother or father. 
I pray that you really hear my heart on this. When you trust God’s timing, you will be focusing on HIM, not WHEN.

And honestly, this mindset of “waiting” for your man doesn’t hold too well in marriage. Once you DO get married, you will look to your spouse to fill every void, every hobby and make you happy because you set in your mind for YEARS that a relationship will ONLY make you happy. It’s like it was the missing piece to your joy. But GOD is the only missing FOUNDATION and from Him comes all gifts. I ran into this problem when we got married because I made everything about my husband that I didn’t have a LIFE. Those first 6 months were hard because we moved to a new state and we didn’t have friends. But in my “head” I had this fantasy of what I think marriage should be like and I put PRESSURE on my now husband in the beginning because of this lie I made up in my head. Things got much better after I started blogging, doing small groups with women then eventually starting Pinky Promise because life was back dependent on God and not a human. My husband is amazing, but a terrible god.

Don’t train your mindset to think that joy comes from people. It comes from the Lord.

So, what do you do?

1. Go spend time with God.  Let Him lead & direct your paths.
2. Find a good church home that teaches the TRUE word of God. Not all that crazy, weird, confusion.
3. Join a local Pinky Promise Group for sisterhood. (Or find something in your area with like-minded Christians
4. Obey God immediately.
5. Renew your mind daily. You can’t live off of last weeks bible study.

Hugs!

God loves you like crazy,
Heather Lindsey

And then there were 4. Coming soon: July 2015
Just a few things:
1. Find my books, purity rings, shirts & all that good stuff via www.pinkypromiseboutiques.com!
2. We have developed an APP! Think: daily post notifications + weekly devotionals, recipes and so much more! It’s out NOW for iphones + Androids. Under Heather & Cornelius Lindsey: Today With the Lindsey’s
3.  If you live in Atlanta, I want to invite you to our church. Join us on Sundays at 11:00am at Landmark Art Cinemas. Our churches name is: “The Gathering Oasis”  931 Monroe Drive NE Atlanta, GA. We also have our New Years Service at the same place at 10pm EST! Join us! 
4. My book is selling like crazy! I’m so thankful for all of you that have supported! Check it out here: My New Book! Pink Lips & Empty Hearts:  www.PinkLipsAndEmptyHearts.com AND my new book,  Dusty Crowns, here! 
5. Register for the 2015 Pinky Promise in Atlanta, GA! It sold out last year, so you don’t want to miss out! www.pinkypromiseconference.com 
6. As always, you can join a Pinky Promise group locally! There’s about 30,000 ladies that have joined! Find a group near you by joining & checking out the intro page! Join here:www.PinkyPromiseMovement.com
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Author

Heather Lindsey

Christian, Wife to Cornelius Lindsey, Mommy, Speaker, and Founder of Pinky Promise, an organization that promotes honoring God with your life & body whether single or married.

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